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Submission by Proxy

In light of Monkfuel's staggering achievement of never having submitted a single word of text to d8mer in the two years or so its been running, I thought I'd submit this letter that I wrote. He wanted me to write a personal reference, but as I did certain things slipped out which, alas, had to be edited out before sending to the housing agency. See if you can spot the lies from the truth.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to you as a character reference for one [Monkfuel Banjo], whom I have known now for a little over six years. [Monkfuel] is a friendly, outgoing and conscientious individual and, in my opinion, a good person to have in a house as he has a talent for diffusing potential conflicts before they arise.

Despite his somewhat random approach to life, [Monkfuel] is a surprisingly organized man who keeps his room tidy and can be relied upon to ensure that any housework that needs to be done will get done. He is also calm in a crisis, and deals with minor household emergencies with casual aplomb.

[Monkfuel] has a towering intellect and an ego to match, although his impeccable dress sense will dazzle and amaze even the most cynical fashion critic. He has an unswerving talent to attract upwardly nubile nymphets and hence is a useful person to invite to parties.

He has a prodigious appetite for drugs of all kinds, subsisting on a near continuous diet of marijuana and alcohol, supplemented by the occasional wrap of speed and, money permitting, a few lines of cocaine. His generous nature means that his friends frequently benefit from his indulgences and hence he is much in demand on most evenings and it is almost impossible to raise him on the telephone.

His skills at board games are well developed, and his experiences as the Minister for Internal Security in San Tome gives him a marginal advantage in a game of 'Junta'. He does not mind losing and especially enjoys wiping out all of humankind in a game of 'Nuclear War'. He enjoys sports in the way that Julius Caesar enjoyed chariot races and loyally supported the Dallas Cowboys both through their rise to fame and now through their merciless plummet back to obscurity.

He does not smell or snore and can count to twenty without the aid of his toes. Although I have never seen him organize a piss up in a brewery, I remain confident not only that he could do so but that he could organize a piss up on the moon if the mood took him.

He is, however, a backbiting bastard who will cut your hand off just to see you bleed, but this is merely a genetic inheritance that can also be found in his cousin and his sister, the Source of All Evil. I would advise you not to feed him cheese after midnight as he has a tendency to have strange dreams that cause Great Cthulhu to stir from his slumber in sunken R'lyeh.

Sincerely,
Spiral Lobster
Acting Omnibenevolent
Polyfather of the Virginity in Gold