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Saints - The Final Frontier
Every year at Havvoth Nar, the Tropist Monks of Byzantium argue intensively about which Saints to cannonise. Only those that we cannot agree upon are added to the sacred herd of Discordian Saints. We also nominate Anti-Saints, for whom no agreement is required.
Nominations go back as far as 5AA, and we hope to bring you as many of those wonderful hordes of the holy as soon as they are unearthed from the d8mer archives.
Saint By Numbers (Tropist Monks Saint Nominations 11AA)
The Good (Saints)
33% Extra Length Fingers
Alice Bunker Stockholm
Ben & Jerry
Clammy the Oysterfish
Dennis the Donkey
Harvey, and all Pookahs
(My name is...) Jaguar
Jane - Jaen - Jain, a pane of crystal, the sound of rain falling on the silken grain of marble, a slender pale chain - Jane Fonda
Miyoko Nishimoto Schinner
Mooing Cow Timer (back from the dead)
My Mobile Phone
Nine To Five
Nude Blue Valkyrie
Oatie the Goatfish
O'Carolan the last bard
Pedro Martinez (repeat as necessary)
Penguin Café Orchestra
People who give to buskers
Pojo the fire-breathing chicken
R. Buckminster Fuller
Saint Bowling Alley (because they allow us to bowl there and pay homage to the beer gods)
Saint Jude the patron saint of lost causes - I won't explain why...
Saint Pay Raise (because everyone could use one)
Shacky the Lobster
Steve & Terri Irwin (Crocodile Hunter & his equally mad and wonderful wife)
The 'man about the house' tent
The camp smudger
The camp stove
The Church of Tantra
The Didsbury Library invisible cat
The German clockskaters
The Goose Super Ocarina Band
The mimic octopus
The miming whistling Beat Club man
The Pate Brothers [for 'G vs E']
The Silver Metal Lover
The Swingle Singers
The two new ocs
The writers and cast of Sunset Beach
'this is a local shop for local people'
Timmy the Magic 8-ball
Tropist Top Trumps
Wally the Wave
Yellow Valkyrie (she's black and she's proud)
The Bad (Anti-Saints)
Abdul the oddly vague and ragingly incompetent
Abdul the 'Plummer' [Good job that Anti-saints aren't disqualified for double nomination...]
Immigration policy of most countries
Jennifer Love Hewitt
The Human Allergy
The Slapped-Pig Hallmark Airhead
And the Snuggly
Why, Mr. Snuggles, of course.
This year's Sainthood nominations are in memory of Kafka, notable saint and cat of distinction, who died recently.
They’re Late – and this Time, it’s Personal: Saints for 10AA
Aaron Eckhardt, Albert Holstein, Alex Ferguson, Anubis Market - shop at the sign of the jackal-headed man for food almost good enough to eat, Baudelaire, Bower, Breast Pocket Man, Bruce McCulloch, Buddy Cole, Cartimandua, Christina Ricci, Daria Morgendorfer, Dave Foley, David Beckham, Elsa Klensch, Freakazoid, Gallus, Gary Ross, Hannah Cullwick, Hecubus, Ilya Prigogine, J.T. Walsh, Kevin McDonald, Kevin McKinnery, Man in a Suitcase, Manchester United, McGill, Monkey, Neil Labute, Noel Godin (L'entarteur), Patty Loveless, Paul Bellini, Richard Bradford, Robert Llewellyn, Roddy McDowall, in memoriam, Ron Grainer, Scott Thompson, Shaving Tissue Fashion, Sick Sad World, Sidney Cole, Stanley Greenberg, Steve and Terri Irwin, Tanked up in Tutus, The Cheese Wigs, The Church of All Worlds, The Coen brothers, the Cornerhouse, The Death Sitar - one twang and your planet's history, the illegibly blurred saint, the Parisian Hashishans, the Restaurant Restroom experiences of extra-terrestrials, The Royle Family, the Tesco Watch Rangers, Troth Wells, Ursula LeGuin, Vincent Gallo and the lost half a page of saints.
And the Anti-Saints
Bernard Matthews, York, Wales, The Dead Cat Curse Entity, Soft & Gentle ads, Evian ads, Citizen Kane, Mortis, Monsanto, Ariel ads, Jon the blind date from hell (not atropos).
Saint Gumbo (Tropist Monks Saints Nominations 9AA)
For once I haven’t arranged the saints into categories. This is because this takes time and nobody cares if I do it. If you wish to petition for the return of the categories (High, Low and Diacritical) all you have to do is complete the following competition:
- Arrange the following Saints into three categories:
High, Low and Diacritical.
- And complete the following tiebreaker question in 12 words or less:
I like Tropist Monks of Byzantium Saints better than the so-called Saints canonized by inferior religions because...
The winner, whose name will be selected at random and laughed at mercilessly, will get their solution published along with a free subscription to a top Discordian newsletter.
Terms of Entry are on the following microdot: .
A Myriad Hosannas for… (Saints)
The Bacchantes, Barbara Cousins, Barnsley F.C., Befana, Bobby Amsbury Bugs, Champ Manager ’93 (for the PC), Chen Li, Cocaine, Count of Monte Cristo, Daniel Benzali, Danny Wilson, David Hyde Pierce, Dean Radin, Eugénie Danglars, Garm, Gog and Magog, Grendel (the dog), Gulon, Haydée, Hotchotch, Jackie Forster, James Lovelock, Jeanette Winsterson, Jennifer Murray, John Athey (S.R.), Johnny Middleton (S.R.), Jon Pertwee, Jormungandr, Karkadann (the), Lizzie Bennett, the Lost Saints of Last Year, Mark Thomas, Mary Chapin Carpenter, the Mermecolion, the Mi’raj, Michael Foster, Missy Elliot, Morgiana the slave girl, Naglfar (the ship made of toenail clippings), Neil's black underwear, Nidhoggr, the Ocarina, Ohchee Barohchee, my Palm Pilot, Philippe 'D'Artagnan' Candeloro, Recyclops, Richard Cross, Robot the Bruce, Rupert Sheldrake, Sebek, Shadhahvar, Sheherazada, the Simurg, the Singing People of Dong, Sophie Dahl, Stanley Tucci, Surt, Thrym, Tinky Winky’s Bag, Tom Baker, Ute Wetzig, Wim Wenders and Whoever traded us the last Tazo we needed.
And Hellbound this Year… (Anti-Saints)
"Air..." the Narrow, Bob, Cat fleas, Elton John, G.E.C. & the Church of England: "Killing foreigners for profit and Jesus", Gwyneth Paltrow, Hallmark, Iceland (the food store), Jeremy Clarkson, the Millennium Dome, Monsanto, Pillsbury, Sabrina (the cat), St.. Paul, Wayne (S.N.R.) and Princess Diana.
When the Saints Go Over There (Oh Over There) (Tropist Monks Saints Nominations 8AA)
Just a brief reminder: Low Saints are those Saints which can only achieve a moderate degree of Saintitude on account of being real. High Saints have the blessed virtue of a fictional nature, and are hence that much closer to the eristic ideal. Diacritical Saints… well, you can work them out for yourself. As for the Anti-saints, the Polyfather takes no part in the appointment of these, and good for you for taking no notice of him and doing it anyway. I haven’t had time to check for duplications from previous years, because I doubt anyone checks but me. Errors by Eris – but you can correct them with the blessed Erisian Rite of Adjustment. To do this, simply read the mistake and then correct it in your head.
Martin Amis, Kingsley Amis, the Bosnian Artist, Avatar, Julian Ballantyne, Richard Bandler, Bob, Anthony Burgess, Rock Mountain Candy, Robert Carlisle, Deana Carter, Catherine the Great, Mr. Cowley, Terri Clark, Quentin Crisp, Jennifer Elise Cox, Steve Earle, Debbie Flint, Judy Garland, Ariadna Gil, Harry Greene, Kandinsky, Jenniefer Kirk, Lisa Kudrow, Paul Lavers, Doon Mackichan, Prince Mali, Dusty Martell, Ivana Mazzucchelli, Ian McCulloch, Chris Morris, Terry Nation, Juanita Perez, Mike Reagan, Beryl Reid, Joan Rivers, Rustlin’ Russel, Bob Scott, Dave Sim, Monty Spinneratz, George Strait, Angela Sutherland, Glen Thompsett, Kara Tritton, Ivana Trump, Stanley Tucci, Steve Whatley and the unbelievably wonderful Ursa Conundrum/Mark Odom.
Wednesday Addams, Anon, Body and Doyle, Phoebe Buffay, Jan Brady, Bran Mak Muffin, Cerebus, Lara Croft, Richard Cross ("Good work Justine"), Elrod of Melvinbone, Erki Nool, Fargo, Flawn, Jaka, Lord Julius, Methos, Monkey, Pigsy, Sandy and Tripitaka, Private Schultz, the Raggedy Rawney, Regency Elf, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Sventus Po and the Swiss female skiers' Swiss cheese suits
A1 Promotions, The Arboretum, "A real chipmunk?", CMT, Emerge, Enstete Superbrum, the Kew Seahorses, La Tasca, Limited Resources, the Ouside Force, Penguin biscuits, phenylalanine, the (Saint) QVC Rulers, Salon Selectives Flexihold, the Serpent and Cabbage Teapot, Survivors and the Kwik Save security systems and staff.
Calvin Klein adverts, FDS adverts, the Grattan 'stupid dad' advert, Iceland adverts – Iceland make it easy 'for sexist gits', Ka adverts, Purple Ronnie, Renault Mégane adverts, the Outside Force, Eddie Stobart, The Bryants, Criags and MacArthurs (save TEFKA HRBOO) and all those responsible for the draconian new benefit regulations, especially those which have adversely affected monks.
And before 8AA? All the earlier records of Saints can be found in
the d8mersday book. For an ounce of heroism, you could type them out and
mail them to the webmaster. But since you can't be bothered, it's scarecely
May the Saints be with you!